6 reasons why flip flops are not suitable footwear for commuting

If your feet look like this, "airing them" won't help.

Reason 1: Nobody wants to look at your dirty/fungal-infected/calloused/smelly feet*


 Many people who wear flip flops shouldn't do so for this reason alone, but many of these poor souls seem oblivious to the frankly wretched state of their own leg appendages.

If bits of your feet can be picked, grated, or smell like a ripe Stilton you owe it to the health of the nation to keep them under wraps.

*please delete as appropriate

No. No. No. No. No.

Reason 2: Flip-flops make people think they are on the beach. This is very bad.

Two quick flip-flop factoids:

• Flip-flops make people feel comfortable
• Flip-flops are easily removed
  

Although these two truths are not dangerous on their own, combine them and it's a different story: All too often you get flip-floppers who crazily think it is socially acceptable to take off their flip flops and curl their feet up on their seat..

..It is fucking not. Especially if reason 1 applies.


Reason 3: Flip-flops do not perform their basic function.

Shoes are intended to protect the foot and enable the motion of walking. Flip-flops are specifically designed to not protect the foot and make motion as clumsy as possible. Flip-flops are shite for walking in effectively and since most commuting involves some walking in close proximity to fellow travellers, a flip-flopper risks multi-person pile-ups with every step.

Imagine all these people walking at once. Scary shit.

Reason 4: The sound of flip flops is the most irritating in the world.

..nails being scraped down a blackboard..
..a dripping tap.
..Kerry Katona opening her gob..

..none of these sounds hold a candle to the discordant, mind-numbing sound of "flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop..."

By wearing their monstrous footwear to work flip-floppers show a complete disregard for their colleagues and fellow commuters who have no choice but to listen to the incessant noise. It's almost like they do it on purpose.

Hahahahahahaha! Prat.

Reason 5: If it rains you are going to have wet feet and look a bloody idiot..

..not that I'd have any sympathy, but for thoroughness I'd thought I'd mention it and in fact I'd do a rain dance to just see it happen.

Reason 6: You are a man.. 

Wearing flip-flops.. Seriously? And no, being gay is not defence.

Commuter Types: The Middle-Aged Barger

If you are a seasoned commuter you will be familiar with this wily breed of fellow traveller. Usually always male and aged between their 40s and 50s, the mildly antisocial behaviour of the Middle-Aged Barger is the sad product of decades of monotonous commuting. This mixture of experience and mild insanity can make the Middle-Aged Barger a formidable adversary.

The habitual behaviour of the Middle-Aged Barger:

• As the name suggests the Middle-Aged Barger will always try to get on or off the train first, regardless of common standards of polite conduct.
• Once on the train the Middle-Aged Barger will take an eternity to fuss and settle in their seat at the expense of every other fellow traveller trying to get to a seat.
  
• The Middle-Aged Barger usually has the air of someone who thinks they should be in first class but they don't have the bank balance to match their aspirations.
  
• Look for the broadsheet newspaper spread across half the carriage (including your lap)
  
• The Middle-Aged Barger will always take up the whole of the middle arm rest.

Morning Journey: 11 minutes late
Evening Journey: 5 minutes late

Fellow Commuters Can Be Annoying

Morning Journey: 7 minutes early for work. Yey! If only it as like this everyday

Evening Journey: 30 mins late home. No bedtime story with my son :(

Why the fuck are people so rude and inconsiderate? I was queuing up to get on the train in my normal spot, and as per usual the same middle age grumps push in front of everybody, then proceed to take the first free seats going: While the rest of us stand twiddling our thumbs these doughnuts are taking forever to get settled.

To these selfish prats I say: Have some bloody common sense and respect.

Any intelligent person would move to the centre of the carriage so everybody can get a seat at the same time without having to be thrown about a moving train! ..

I like to sit next to people like this and sniff all the way home, just to piss them off.